About 27 times this week I have asked myself. . .WHY AM I DOING THIS? Why am I inflicting such stress and emotional insanity on myself? What ever possessed me to go to law school? I was sitting in class on Thursday taking a test and the whole time was just thinking about how much I hate tests. I hate them with a passion. Why do I have to prove to you what I've learned, Mr. Professor? Why does law school have to pair you up against every other student so that it's not how well you do for yourself, but how well you do compared to everyone else. Doesn't that just seem sick and wrong? The forced curve is evil. Why am I doing this again?! I feel like I am working as hard as I can, but it's not enough. Someone else is always working harder, is smarter, and studying longer. And you know what, normally I would be happy for them Good for you Mr. SUPER STUDENT. But here, that means my grades are lower. Well, now, that changes everything. Or does it? I don't even know anymore. All I know is I am tired, lonely, feel incredibly lost, stupid, and often humiliated in class. Oh why am I doing this?
Wouldn't have been so much easier to skip this whole thing? I mean, I have an AMAZING fiance who loves me, wants to take care of me, has a great job, house, and lives in one of the most beautiful places on earth. Why didn't I just stay home, get married, have babies and live happily ever after? But no. I moved away, asked him to come with me (which he is happy to do) so I could suffer this insanity! Now I feel like I'm making him suffer as he's trying to find a new job., sell is house, and move to a state that he has never lived in before. WHAT WAS I THINKING?! Do I ALWAYS have to take the most difficult route in life? AH!
The only thing keeping me sane at this point is knowing that GOD wants me here. I can't deny the feelings I got when I asked whether to come to school or not. I can't deny all the blessings he has given me to get me here. And it makes me feel better to know that Joe has had that confirmation too. BUT WHY?! What is all this for? Why does it have to be THIS PAINFUL PATH?!
OK. That's enough for now. Sorry for the rant. Feel free to just pass by it and ignore everything you just read. I'm sure I'll feel better in three years, when it's all over.
3 comments:
Meg, you are awesome. If there is one thing I know about you, it's that God has great things in store for you. He has wonderful intentions of allowing you to be the tool through which many, many other people are blessed. He has already seen you do that, and He knows you are willing to continue. An education will allow you to bless more lives than otherwise, and it will not prevent you from having your cute house full of babies! You're the best!
Yes, someday we will laugh about all of this. Right?
Honey, you will be happy on December 30th!!! COMPARED to the other law students I love YOU most! Hang in there!
Auntie Rachelle
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