Thunderstorms

Right now I am sitting on my couch, snuggled up in the quilt my mother made me, listening to the most glorious thunderstorm. I absolutely  love thunderstorms. I love them because they remind me of how marvelous and powerful nature is, and how small I am. I also love the memories that thunderstorms bring to me.

I remember as a young girl, my sisters and I would wait by the window to see the lightening until the thunder cracked. Then, we would run as fast as we could to our bed and hide under the covers until we gained enough courage to venture out to the window again. We would do this over and over, laughing the whole time, until the storm was over.

When we were a bit older, ages six or seven, we would pretend to be on a ship in the sea during a horrible storm. We would rock back and forth on our big rocking chair that my great grandpa made, pretending that it was a ship being tossed in the waves. Mother had a candlestick holder that we would hold and it made the imaginary scene even more real to us. The thunder and the lightening added the final touch to our adventure. I can still hear Cecily yelling, "Beware the rocks off the port bow!"

As a teenager, thunderstorms meant that swim practice was over. Some of you might not know this, but I swam competitively for ten years. I was even captain of my high school swim team my senior year. I was never very good, but I had a lot of fun. In Sacramento, most of the pools, including all the ones I swam in, were outdoor. So, we swam in all kinds of weather. Rain. Hail. Wind. We braved it all. The only weather that would force us out of the pool was lightening. I remember swimming laps and hearing the crack of thunder. My coach would blow the whistle and we would jump out of the pool as fast as we could. After all, we had been told how people who swim in thunderstorms always get struck by lightening and drown and we weren't going to let that happen to us.

In Oregon, there were lots of thunderstorms. I have a lot of sweet memories of watching thunderstorms with Joe when we were dating and engaged. Thunderstorms make for perfect snuggling weather. We would make hot chocolate, cuddle, and talk for hours. Those were some of the best days of my life.

The rain has slowed down and its been awhile since I've heard a crack of thunder.  I think I can see some sunlight poking through. That's the thing with thunderstorms--they never last forever. Soon the sun comes out and the sky is calm again.

Confession of a Lame Blogger

I really shouldn't be blogging right now. I have so much homework to do and laundry to fold. I don't know why I am. It seems like I go weeks without even looking at this thing and then I have a weekend where I am on it ALL THE TIME. The inconsistency is probably why hardly anyone reads this any more. Heck, I probably wouldn't read this blog anymore either.

The truth is, the last six months of my life have been the hardest few months I have ever experienced. A combination of health problems and events out of my control have really caused me a lot of anguish. I was glad to see 2010 go. No, glad doesn't adequately describe it. I was ECSTATIC to see 2010 end.

So, I guess the reason I haven't been very consistent with blogging is because I didn't have many happy things to say and I don't want this blog to be a whine fest. Your welcome.

Life is full of ups and downs. This life is a time to grow and that means hurting sometimes. We can't pretend that away. Despite the fact that life has been the pits for the last few months, I have to say, I really have grown. I have felt the healing power of my Heavenly Father and have seen direct blessing from Heaven. I have become even closer to my spouse and found that he loves me even though I am not perfect and that makes me joyous. I have found that even though he isn't perfect, I love him more everyday and that makes me giddy. I have been blessed by the love and support of loving parents. Their wisdom, care, and love for me have overwhelmed me with gratitude.

(Just one example of my parents' awesomeness. I was surprised to get this amazing fruit basket in the mail on an especially hard day. How did my Mother know that it was just the expression of love I needed to help me get through?)

Maybe, most surprisingly, I have found that I have a strength in myself that I didn't recognize before. I have learned that I can be strong even when I feel so very weak. That recognition has filled me with confidence and self worth that I haven't had before and I think that's pretty cool.

So, I am not apologizing for having a lame blog. It is what it is. But, I hope you won't give up on me. Please be patient with me and this lame blog because the truth is, I need good friends like you.

Twenty Seven

(My dear sister Cecily made this beautiful "Better than, (pause) you know" cake. It's my favorite.)

My birthday was earlier this month, but I was so busy with my internship, I didn't get a chance to post my usual refections of growing a year older. Funny thing about birthdays--everyone has a different opinion of them. Some people are fanatics. They don't celebrate birth-DAYS, they celebrate birth-MONTHS. Others are more quiet about it. They don't make a hullabaloo, but make sure to treat themselves to a little something. And then there are some that want everyone else to know when their birthday is, so they make sure to broadcast it at least a month in advance to everyone within earshot. They do this so that no one forgets to make them feel special on that day. And then, there are the people who have birthday-phobia. They hide their birthday from everyone except the people from whom they can't hide it (like their moms.) When asked, they refuse to reveal the day they were born. Heck, if they could, they wouldn't even tell the DMV.

With the exception on the last group, I have fallen into all of these categories. Perhaps because I was a child of six and thus had to fight for attention, I always wanted to feel special on my birthday. I've been blessed with a dear friend to feels that birthdays should be like Christmas and makes a point to go out of her way to spoil others on their birthday. She even drove 13 hours from Arizona to Sacramento, CA to surprise me on my birthday a few years ago.Yup, she's a die hard and I love her for it. Perhaps because of her example, I feel that everyone should feel special and loved on their birthday. It's not only the day a person entered this world, but it's the day that his or her greatest test began. For that is what this life is. It is one big test to see what kind of person we will be. Every year of this gigantic test that is completed should be celebrated.

I have come to believe, however, that birthdays are best when they are about serving others. If you hope for a fabulous birthday, full of presents and recognition, you are bound to be disappointed. But if you focus more on other's birthdays, and try and make them feel loved on those days, then you can feel birthday joy throughout the year. This doesn't mean that you shouldn't celebrate yourself. It just that the basic service principle applies. You can't expect others to serve you and doing so won't bring happiness. You can only serve others, and that is where the happiness comes.  

This year I worked 10 hours in a law office where no one knew it was my birthday. I ate lunch alone. I didn't open a present. (May family did give me some wonderfully thoughtful gifts a few days later. But nothing on my actual day). But, my sister made me a wonderful cake, my mom cooked me a steak dinner, and I laughed with my parents and siblings all night long. It was the simplest birthday I have ever had and I am grateful for it because when it comes down to it, family, food, and laughter are the best combination in life.

I am grateful for my mother who not only endured months of nausea and 26 hours of labor to bring me into this this world, but cracked her tail bone in the process. I am grateful for a father who welcomed me into the world with open arms and held my hand whenever I needed something to hold onto. I'm grateful for siblings who came after who have become my most important friends. I am grateful for other loving family members and friends who have loved me. I am grateful for my husband, even though he called me at 12:01am to sing me happy birthday. It was worth waking up for. I am thankful for good food, beautiful music, the glorious outdoors, and adventures. But most of all, I am grateful that God gave us this wonderful world and provided a way for us to return to Him once our mortal test is complete.

I've lived 27 years. I never thought I would get this old, but I am so glad I did because the truth is, life is good. It is oh so good.

This is why . . .

. . . I get no sleep at night. What a bed hog! He doesn't believe me, so I had to get this picture as proof. (Please don't mind the messy bedroom.) I guess this would be fine if we were the kind of people who like to cuddle all night. I know you people are out there. But let's be honest, men are hot as ovens and I don't know about your husband, but mine kicks in his sleep. No thank you! I'm thinking we should get bunk beds. Then maybe I wouldn't have these bags under my eyes!

Balancing Act

I think finding balance in life is one of life's toughest challenges. There always seems to be something that dominates our focus or takes over our lives for a time, leaving us little time and brainpower for other things. Sometimes these dominate things are good and wonderful things such as children, school, church callings, and work. Other times it can turn normal benign activities into a destructive force such as with video games, television, the Internet, or excess shopping. The thing is, even when we are unbalanced regarding good things, it poisons other things in our lives. There is such a thing as too much of a good thing.

I remember listening in on a conversation between my mother and another woman when I was a child. I am sure they thought I wasn't listening, or they wouldn't have been having this conversation. The other woman was recently divorced and was discussing how she felt with my mother, her her how she thought she got to that situation. She said that throughout her whole 20+ years of marriage, she and her husband had been so focused on their children, that they had neglected to work on their own relationship. By the time their children were grown and out of the house, her and her husband didn't have anything in common anymore. After years of neglect, their marriage had fallen apart. That overheard conversation has stuck in my mind over the years because for so long it baffled me. How can doing something so wonderful, like being good parents, lead to something to tragic, like the end of a marriage? After years of pondering, I've come to the conclusion that it comes down to balance. Although I am sure there were many more factors than those I overheard, I believe that if there had been more balance, perhaps there would not have been such a tragic ending. Even too much of a wonderful thing can be destructive.

Even unbalance in little things can mean missed opportunities. As a high school and undergraduate student, school was the focus of my life. My parents had instilled a great value of education into my soul and I loved to learn. I desired to be independent and knew that being successful in school would help me to get that independence. I worked really hard, and got good grades. I took a two year break from college so that I might serve a mission for my church. I spent 18 months in Spain and met some wonderful people. Some of the most incredible people were the other missionaries that I served with. I was amazed at the talents and experiences that these people had had. Compared to them, I felt like a two dimensional character. I realized that while in school, I had never taken the time to expand myself beyond what was necessary to get the good grades. I had always only taken the classes I needed to take to get into college, get in my program, or get my degree. I didn't have time for any "fun" classes (meaning classes that didn't go toward any degree requirement). I was on the fast track to success and I didn't have time for those things. In fact, I didn't even have time for social things. I lived in Utah, with its glorious national parks and had not even hiked in the Canyon right up the street from me. I had been an athlete in high school, but became really out of shape within a few months of college. I had never taken an art class. I had never just explored something. I had never had a spontaneous adventure.

By the time I returned from Spain, I decided that this would change. The first thing I did was register for a psychology class and a bowling class. I didn't need either of them, but they were classes I had always wanted to take. (I really wanted to improve my bowling score. I had gotten a 25 with bumpers a few years before. Sad.) These classes didn't fulfill any requirement, and didn't help me earn any degree. They were just things I wanted to learn and I loved them. Over the next year I would take more classes like that, including sociology, cooking, and music. It was great. I also made a point to have more adventures. I hiked the Y (the local mountain here in Provo) with my sister and some friends. I joined a gym and discovered that I could run and it was so good for my body and spirit. I made friends and decided that my Friday and Saturday night dates with the library had to stop. When I embarked on these changes, I thought it would be a detriment to my grades. Boy was I wrong! My last two years of undegrad school I got the best grades I had ever received. Being balanced actually helped me focus better on the task at hand. It provided mental stability and body rejuvenation. It made me feel whole.

The truth is I am not perfect at this. In fact, if you looked at my life this last semester, you would think I was a big hypocrite. Life changes and there are things that do need our attention more than others at times. But we should never let that thing overtake us. We cannot let it monopolize us such that we start to identify ourselves with just that one thing. We are more than just the titles we hold or the responsibilities we have to fulfill. We are more than just students, employees, parents, spouses, and church workers. We have to be a summation of all those things. The truth is, we are divine and have so many talents to develop and responsibilities to fulfill. We need to be balanced to fulfill our full potential as children of God.

So how do we start? Well, we evaluate our lives. Is there something you have been neglecting lately? Make a list of those things and then make small steps to incorporate them back into your life. You can't do it all at once. It is too overwhelming. But with small goals, it will be manageable. Remember, you can never do it all. There are just so many things to be done. But you can feel good about what you are when your life is balanced. You will be a whole person.

I'm determined to get back to a balanced life. Will you join me?

The Check In Call.

Last night Joe and I got THREE hours of sleep. I had a final this morning and he stayed up with me. We were at Kinkos Fed Ex at 2:30am printing out class notes. They had really annoying loud music playing that is still ringing in my ears. Tonight is pizza night. He usually calls me on his way home from work. Here is today's conversation.

Ring! Ring! I answer my phone.

Joe: There is a lot of traffic. I’m not going to get home at 5:08pm. It will be more like 5:15pm.

Me: Ok, that’s fine. But what if the pizza burns!? (Really concerned, really.)

Joe: Well you can take it out of the oven before it gets all black and burned.

Meg: Ok, right.

Joe: Hey! I just saw a black person! (We get excited at any hint of diversity here. Utah is so UNdiverse.)

Meg: Wow. Chuckle chuckle.

Joe: Yes. So,did you make the cookies?

Meg: Uh, no. Should I have?

Joe: Well, I thought you were going to.

Meg: Well. . . (thinking of an excuse because the truth is a took a 4 hour nap this afternoon after my final while he was at work). . . I thought we can make them TOGETHER! (That sounds much more fun right??)

Joe: Yeah, Ok. So you want to hear a joke? (Obviously it doesn’t sound much more fun.)

Meg: Sure (Just say sure. Then you’re not lying and he doesn’t get his feelings hurt.)

Joe: You know how Carl Malone and John Stokton have a lot of car dealerships?

Meg: Yes. (Said confidently although I really didn’t know that. Who are they again?)

Joe: Well, don’t buy a car from them, you’ll never get the title.

Meg: Chuckle Chuckle.

……..Pause…….

Meg:, OK, I don’t quite get that.

Joe: They never won the NBA title. So when the sell the car, they will keep the title to themselves.

Meg: Oh, funny.

Joe: I’m getting on the freeway.

Meg: Ok, see you once you get here. (Understanding that that means he has to go. He has this thing about talking on the phone while driving on the freeway.)

Joe: K. Bye.

See, we are interesting people. Actually, we are not interesting and if you are still reading this post, well bless you. We are just really tired and boring. I just realized that this conversation makes me look like a really bad person. Maybe I shouldn't have included my thoughts. OK well, I'm really am not a bad person. Just tired and a bit anxious. Give me a break please.

Joe just called me again to inform me that he will call again when he is exactly 20 minutes away so I can put the pizza in then and it won't get all burned black. He's got my back.

What A Blessing

We feel like we have been so blessed this week. Really blessed. You know when your heart is just so full of gratitude, you can't help but sing a hymn or two? That's how I've felt.

JOE GOT A JOB!!! Its a great job working as an accountant for the Salt Lake Police Department. Whew! What a blessing.

We were talking last night about how it's such a blessing that even though he has been out of a job for three months, we have yet to be late on a bill or payment. What a blessing.

I got an externship with a great firm in Salem, OR!! Since we want to end up there, this is wonderful. Its a great firm and going to help me get the experience I need. What a blessing.

I came home and Joe had made me a chocolate cake to celebrate getting the externship. How sweet is that? What a blessing.

My sister got into graduate school!! I am so happy for her. She is going to become an amazing museum curator. Smarty pants. Now she has to choose whether to live in NYC or LA. What a blessing.

My brother-in-law got into a Ph.D program!! He got into UCLA and Columbia and they both want to pay them to go there. Smarty pants #2. What a blessing.

We got to go to Las Vegas last weekend and see Joe's sister Julie win her volleyball tournament! Joe's mom was there too and it was so wonderful to spend time with her. What a blessing.

The Lord has been so good to us.

Oh Summer, Come to Me.

I canNOT wait for May. By then, my finals will be over, school will be out, and I will have a nice little break before staring my externship. Oh yes. It's going to be great. Then I can get back to the other things I love, and get back to a more well-rounded me. Here are my goals for the summer, so far:

Paint, draw, and photograph

Hike, Hike, Hike

Sleep under the stars

Take Joe to Zions

SKYDIVE (thanks to my wonderful mother-in-law)

Explore Arches National Park

Run the Alzheimer's Run in Sacramento in memory of Grandma

READ a book FOR FUN!!

Get tan from being outside

Swim, Swim, Swim

Visit Oregon, land that I love

Organize my life

Write a poem

Make Orange Sherbet (Grandma's recipe of course)

Practice the guitar

Sing daily

BBQ

Go blonde, again

Visit Yellowstone for the very first time

Finish all our Thank-You cards

Go rafting

Play in ocean waves

Have a picnic

Eat Popsicles

Oh yes, it's going to be fan-freaking-tastic!!

What I Learned Today . . .

"I give counsel to husbands and wives. Pray for the love which allows you to see the good in your companion. Pray for the love that makes weakness and mistakes seem small. Pray for the love to make your companion's joy your own. Pray for the love to want to lessen the load and soften the sorrows of your companion."

~ Henry B. Eyring

I want to implement this better into my life.

How do you serve your spouse?

Love Where You Are

As a girl I hated going to the movies. Well, that's not true. I LOVED going to movies, I just hated how I felt when I walked out of the theater. After all the credits rolled, I was left feeling sorry for myself because the lives of the people in the movies were better than mine. It wasn't about the happy ending. I mean, that was great, but the thing that really bothered me was that my life wasn't ADVENTUROUS. The hum drum of school, homework, church, and family just seemed so dull compared to the glitzy stories on the big screen. Why couldn't I have a life like that?

When I got a bit older, high school say, I got a bit wiser. I wasn't jealous of the movies. I mean, those were just stories after all. By that time I realized NO ONE's life was like that. Even if people did have those sort of "moviesque" adventures, they were probably speckled between boring, dull, or common experiences too. Movie makers edited those out to keep our attention. Oh yes, I was much wiser.

So, instead of being depressed about the story of the movies, I became depressed about those that made movies. How wonderful was it that screenwriters, directors, actors, and musicians could come together to create something so awesome! They could take people out of their boring hum drum lives for an hour or two. They could create their own world. Oh how I wished I could create something like that! Oh, yes, I was much wiser. But I still walked out of movies depressed.

The problem with being a dreamer is that being happy where you are is a struggle. You are always hoping for bigger, better things. It's good to have goals and aspirations, but when looking to the future obscures the blessings of the present, I think something special is lost.

On my last day as a missionary for my church, I asked my friend if she had any advice for me. I was going home and leaving the beautiful Spanish people that I had come to love. She told me something that has stuck with me every since. She said, "LOVE WHERE YOU ARE." How powerful is that? We should learn from the past, and look toward the future, but HERE is where was ARE NOW and we should LOVE IT.

I can watch movies now without becoming sad. So what if my life isn't the glitzy adventure of the big screen. It is mine, and every day presents me with an opportunity to grow, learn, love, and explore. I am creating my own life story everyday.

I want to be better at enjoying the present and was wondering how you enjoyed your today?

What do you do to savor the moment?

Yesterday was the Worst

Have you ever had a REALLY bad day? The kind where you are just counting the hours until the day is done? Yeah, that was yesterday. My day consisted of:

-waking up with an earache

-waking up with a sore throat

-it had snowed a TON

-had to be at school at 8am to do an oral argument that I wasn't as prepared as I wanted to be

-I had a Quiz due by 8am and our power went out so for 20 minutes I was freaking out that I wouldn't be able to send it in in time for credit

-Joe was in a bad mood ALL DAY

-when I finally got to school, my laptop wouldn't turn on

-ten minutes before my oral argument I had to take it to the IT people to see if they could fix it

-they said that they had to wipe it clean and I could loose all my documents, pictures, etc.

-doing my oral argument with NO prep materials since I didn't have my laptop

-went to class and got a HAND CRAMP from trying to take pages of notes by hand

-was STARVING all day because didn't have any money to get a lunch

-couldn't really do my homework properly since I didn't have my laptop

-waited ALL day for it to be fixed

-the computer people told me they had lost all my class notes for the WHOLE SEMESTER (about had a panic attack right there)

-They eventually found my class notes

-had to re-install EVERYTHING back onto my computer

-ear still hurt

-throat still hurt

-Joe was still in a bad mood which made me in a bad mod

-came home to a trashed house

-we had no groceries

-I hadn't gotten a full night sleep in about a week

I know it could have been worse, but that was all my nerves could handle yesterday. So guess what I did. Around 7pm, I headed to bed FOR THE NIGHT. 12 hours of sleep and the next morning the world looks like a MUCH BETTER PLACE.

What do you do to get over a really bad day?

I'm sitting here on the couch . . .

. . . and I REALLY need to work on my legal brief. It's due on Monday, worth a whole heck of a lot of my writing grade and, well, what I am going to be doing for the rest of my life so I should get good at it. But all I can think about is . . . Joe and cookies. I miss Joe. OK, I know he needs his "man time" and to be honest, he's a lot happier after playing basketball with the boys. Sure their team never wins, but it makes him happy and that makes me happy. He goes and plays, I stay and "do homework." Sounds like a perfect solution right? Yes. Meg, get back to work, you are wasting your time. I know, I know, but all I want is for Joe to come home so we can make cookies. Should I eat cookies? Probably not. Goodness knows a law student's lifestyle isn't the most active. I purposely park in the farthest parking space, just to make sure I get in the most possible steps in my day. Isn't that sad? I'm trying to get steps in, not miles? Oh my. I've gone down hill. Yeah, certainly don't need the cookies. But oh, they taste so good, and making them with Joe is the best thing ever. He's the cookie monster. That man can eat more sugar than a sugar plum fairy. And it makes him so stinking happy when they come out of the oven. It's just so dang cute. He's like a little kid. And then it makes me think that someday we will have kids. And then my heart gets really big because then I think of what Joe will be like as a father and I know, well, he's going to be the best Dad ever. I hope I can be a decent mom. Our kids will probably LOVE him and just deal with me. But that's OK. It's going to be great. It makes me smile. He always makes me smile. Except when he's sad. He just walked in the door. His team lost again. The season is over. He just frowned. He's so cute when he frowns. Yeah, I'm completely smitten with him. I never thought I would let myself care so much about a person, but I just can't help it. He makes life so good.

Ok. I'm sorry for the mushiness. I'm really not trying to brag. It's just, a year ago I was lonely and not very happy. And when I have to do things that stress me out, like write this brief, I think about the happy things. It's what gets me through.

Be RESOLVED

2010 is here and with it the usual hopes of a better year and becoming a better person. January 1st means making a list of things I want to do better, things that will make me better. I was on my honeymoon this January 1st, and with adjusting to marriage, moving to a new apartment, and getting back in the grind of law school, my resolutions have been slow forming. No worries. I have all but forgotten them.

For me, resolutions require inspiration. Often inspiration comes from others as resolutions become the topic of conversation. This year, however, New Year resolutions have seemingly gone out of style. People just aren't making resolution like they used to. I have seen all kinds of resolution fill ins. Instead of making actual RESOLUTIONS, people are creating themes for the year. They pick one word that will be the undercurrent for their "growth" this year. OK. If that makes creating a goal easier for you...go for it.

Some I have spoken to have said that they don't believe in resolutions. Why make a list of things to accomplish if I will never accomplish them? Why set myself up to fail? To this I say, if you never try, you have failed already.

This leads me to believe that people don't get what resolutions are. A Resolution = A GOAL. Making resolutions is more than just writing a list of things you want to accomplish. It is making a plan for how you will accomplish it. Unless your resolutions are specific and time bound, of course you are going to fail at them. You haven't give yourself any responsibility to achieve it. You haven't provided the way for you to achieve it.

Now don't be too hard on yourself when making these goals. If your favorite pastime is sitting on the couch watching T.V. and you haven't put on sneakers in 10 years, saying you are going to work out at the gym two hours a day, six days a week is a pretty hard place to start. Maybe that can be your end result, but start with something smaller. It's OK to start slow. How about just making a goal to go on a walk everyday. There, that's more manageable and you are less likely to drop it after two weeks.

True, you don't need the start of a new year to begin setting goals. Heck, I've waited 20 days to put mine down on paper. But let's not say we aren't going to even attempt at being better people; that we aren't even going to address making changes in our lives. For when we stop trying to be better, that is when we become worse. We never stay the same. We are either growing or shrinking, moving forward or back. And unless we continue to progress, our families, our communities, our nation, our world won't progress.

So dust off those ambitions! Break out those aspirations! Make a plan today for who you want to be and how you will get there. I know this is A LOT easier said that done. But we CAN do it! It is in us. As George Elliot said, "It is never too late to be what you might have been."

Travel Thoughts

After packing, cleaning, moving boxes, hauling heavy things up a flight of stairs, unpacking, putting furniture together, cleaning some more, and repacking to go to Oregon, we are finally moved in to our new apartment. Hooray! Joe drove from Salem to Provo Thursday in a Budget truck with all our stuff. Thankfully, he made it with no weather problems. Daniel Clark and Val Summers helped us move in. I couldn't be blessed with better friends. Thanks guys! I have to say, I LOVE our place. It's adorable!

Last night we finally made it home to Oregon. Now Christmas can really start. I love airplanes, and get excited every time I fly. I was a bit nervous because I needed to take my wedding dress on the flight and I didn't want any problems with it. Britt Hunsaker told me this story of a girl who checked her wedding dress and it got completely ruined, tire tracks from being run over and all. I was NOT going to let that happen. Luckily, the stewardesses were nice enough to let me have a bin to myself, just for the dress. It all worked out.

I learned something interesting on that flight. Do you know why airplanes always have the cabin lights on bright during the day and then at night they keep them dimmed low? It's because in case of emergency, they want your eyes to be adjusted to the light outside so that you can see. If the plane has an accident at night, they can't have people waiting until their eyes adjust to the darkness to get moving. Interesting eh? Just a little trivia tidbit for you.

By the way, have I told you how AMAZING my brother are?!?!?! It's the first time I've been with them for several months as Kyle has been at BYU Hawaii and Adam at BYU Idaho. We had a great time talking and laughing last night. Honesty, I am so proud of them. They have grown into the most wonderful, righteous young men. Oh, and we have some news at our house.

Kyle got his mission call . . .

. . .

. . . to the Phoenix, Arizona Mission!!

He will be teaching the people in SPANISH!!

WAHOO!!

I am so excited for him!! I know he will be an amazing missionary. Adam has his papers in and we are still waiting for the call, but hope it will come sometime this week. I am so excited for him!!

My heart is full of gratitude for the multitude of blessings that have come into my life. The Lord has been so good to me.

Oh The Insanity!!

I am officially scared. All last night I dreamt I was answering contract law problems. Then I woke up to am email from my professor telling me that this test is 100% of my grade, but not to worry. This isn't the most important thing in life. AH! The knot in my stomach has grown to the size of a watermelon and I haven't even taken my first test yet. That's tomorrow by the way, at 8:30 AM. I just might have a nervous breakdown before then.

I also had the strangest dream that all the men in my life were telling me I was stupid for going to law school. It's so weird because my biggest supporters have been my Dad and Joe. I'm telling you people, I am going INSANE.

Also, did I mention that it's snowing? Yeah, OK it's pretty. Feels like Christmas bla bla bla. (It actually doesn't feel like Christmas to me, having grown up in Sacramento where it was always sunny and 65 degrees on Christmas). The problem people is that I can't drive in it without having a freak out attack and considering that I am on the edge of my sanity already, it might not be a good idea to venture behind the wheel. I would probably die. so basically I feel helpless and trapped in my own home. I know that's lame, but it's better than dying OK?

Oh, and one last thing. I'm on the LGN diet, which means basically all I eat are veggies, with an occasional fruit, healthy soup, or lean meat. Drastic times call for drastic measures. I've been keeping my calories around to about 1500, but to be honest, I rarely make it that high. You can only eat so many veggies. It's sad when spoonful of peanut butter is a treat. Maybe this isn't the best time to be doing this, but considering I'm getting married in 21 days and I've hired a photographer to take pictures of me that (hopefully) I will treasure my whole life, I need to do this. At first it was awful. My body rebelled and my stomach hurt for three days straight. But yesterday, as I was sitting in the library for 9 hours, I realized how good I felt. Imaging that! Anyway, I hope I can stick to this through the holidays. Although I know my mother's biscotti is going to call my name. I still crave sugar everyday. So that adds to the current insanity.

Please pray for me people. I need all the help I can get!!!

Some Thoughts

1. Turned in my memo yesterday morning. It's worth 80 % of my grade for my writing class. I've been working on it for months. It was terrifying, yet liberating.

2. I love sweats. I've never had any before. Now I understand why people like them so much. They are soooooooooooo comfy. I bought two pair last week on sale at Old Navy. If I could, I would wear them every day. But don't worry, I am agianst being frumpy.

3. I have some the of greatest friends ever. God has really blessed me with wonderful people. My roommate Britt is the best. She makes me laugh on a daily basis. Jen also cracks me up, and brought me dinner on Saturday night after I have been in the library working on my paper for 10 hours. Val went and got address label for me cuz I haven't had time. She also put on the best bridal shower ever! Camille found me an apartment. Lauren let's me look at her property notes when I can't keep up, or can't pay attention. Kandis would be my surrogate if I couldn't have children (so she says). Heidi is just sweet. Kalli is taking me to the airport. I mean, aren't I so lucky! These are just the things that have happened this last week. I am so freaking blessed with good friends.

4. I LOVE Christmas music! AOL has free radio and when my Pandora runs out I listen to that. I can't get enough. It just lifts my spirits.

5. I'm so glad Allie and Chris live nearby. Every time I go over there, Allie makes me either hot chocolate or an Italian soda. Mmmmm.

6. Down comforters are the best. Every night I feel like I am sleeping on a cloud.

7. I am terrified for finals. I have so much to do.

8. I have yet to feel REALLY cold this winter. That makes me happy.

9. Thank goodness I haven't got the swine flu! I think I am safe as numerous of my classmates have and I've been exposed to the germs. But, I'm still keeping my fingers crossed.

10. Watched Juno for the first time this weekend. It's so cute. But, I can't watch love stories without feeling lonely. I can't wait for Joe to move here in three weeks!

Word

"Success is not measure by what you accomplish, but by the opposition you have encountered, and the courage with which you have maintained the struggle against overwhelming odds."

~Orison Sweet Marden

On The Edge.

About 27 times this week I have asked myself. . .WHY AM I DOING THIS? Why am I inflicting such stress and emotional insanity on myself? What ever possessed me to go to law school? I was sitting in class on Thursday taking a test and the whole time was just thinking about how much I hate tests. I hate them with a passion. Why do I have to prove to you what I've learned, Mr. Professor? Why does law school have to pair you up against every other student so that it's not how well you do for yourself, but how well you do compared to everyone else. Doesn't that just seem sick and wrong? The forced curve is evil. Why am I doing this again?! I feel like I am working as hard as I can, but it's not enough. Someone else is always working harder, is smarter, and studying longer. And you know what, normally I would be happy for them Good for you Mr. SUPER STUDENT. But here, that means my grades are lower. Well, now, that changes everything. Or does it? I don't even know anymore. All I know is I am tired, lonely, feel incredibly lost, stupid, and often humiliated in class. Oh why am I doing this?

Wouldn't have been so much easier to skip this whole thing? I mean, I have an AMAZING fiance who loves me, wants to take care of me, has a great job, house, and lives in one of the most beautiful places on earth. Why didn't I just stay home, get married, have babies and live happily ever after? But no. I moved away, asked him to come with me (which he is happy to do) so I could suffer this insanity! Now I feel like I'm making him suffer as he's trying to find a new job., sell is house, and move to a state that he has never lived in before. WHAT WAS I THINKING?! Do I ALWAYS have to take the most difficult route in life? AH!

The only thing keeping me sane at this point is knowing that GOD wants me here. I can't deny the feelings I got when I asked whether to come to school or not. I can't deny all the blessings he has given me to get me here. And it makes me feel better to know that Joe has had that confirmation too. BUT WHY?! What is all this for? Why does it have to be THIS PAINFUL PATH?!

OK. That's enough for now. Sorry for the rant. Feel free to just pass by it and ignore everything you just read. I'm sure I'll feel better in three years, when it's all over.

I Hate Long Distance Relationships

This is my favorite part of the day.

Currently...

. . . I've been feeling a lot like this.